The God In Goodbye

Sometimes we have to lose to win…

If you’ve had to sacrifice a relationship for your greatness, or had to surrender your will to God’s will and let a love go, you might have experienced the grief, doubt, guilt or even depression that sometimes comes along with denying self. Did you know that on average, it takes someone up to six breakups before the last time? 

It’s not easy to let go of someone who we’ve invested time, emotion and life changing experiences with. Not if you genuinely loved them. Love is not an on/off switch, it doesn’t just go away. But there are times when we have to remove someone from our life to save our life — not because we don’t love them but because loving them is killing us. Put this in your spirit…A relationship is not defined by us loving someone, a relationship is defined by love being reciprocated, honored and respected for the mutual benefit of the people in that relationship. One sided or one way love is not a relationship beloved, it’s a situation-ship.

If you’re human, you’ve been in a situation-ship. Who we emotionally pick as a mate or to date does not necessarily mean that they’re a divine match. We can know to the best of our ability but the truth is, we cannot know completely only God does…we don’t have that ability. The bible tells us, “For we know in part, and we prophesy in part” (1 Corinthians 13:9). A relationship, over time, will tell us whether or not it is good for us and God’s plan for us — regardless of how good to us it might feel. If you’ve lived, loved and experienced life, you know that there are times when we have to admit we made a mistake and correct it — to save our life. 

I know, some will say, “It all depends on the type of the relationship.” No it doesn’t, it depends on our ability to choose self over destruction. And that includes marriages. In other words, “I Do” is a life sentence to some instead of a covenant agreement (Ephesians 5:21-33). To some, “Til death do us part,” is a literal translation of God’s plan and will for intimate partner relationships. Some have been convinced, by false teaching, that “I Do” means that under no circumstance, except adultery, can someone save themselves from a relationship that threatens their life, their children or their sanity — and remarry. These might sound familiar or maybe even reasons that you choose to stay where God is calling you from but none of these are biblical. They aren’t even wise and God is far more wise than we are.

Bondage or destruction is not God’s plan for any relationship including marriages.

Think about it: God’s plans for your life, and theirs, were created before you were born. The bible tells us: “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). In other words, we either are on plan or off track with everybody we meet or keep in our life. As long as you are human, you will have a need to correct a mistake or a wrong decision, or remove a person from your life to get back on track with God’s plan for your life.

And let’s pause for a minute to clear up a lie that keeps many in bondage and denies the sovereignty of God. There is no mistake, not one, that God is not faithful and just to forgive and wipe our slate clean — restoration to our original state: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1John 1:9). What some false teachers omit is that “all” means all, including a decision to marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons. When the bible said, “Purify from all unrighteousness,” that literally means wipe the slate clean, do over, set free from, no longer bound to. The bible reinforces this when it says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). We need to understand that “No more” means No More, just like “All” means All. No more condemnation is in reference to “Purify from all unrighteousness.”  There is no more condemnation because repentance purifies us from all unrighteousness. A mistake does not bind us to our history or leave room for a man to decide which mistakes we can be set free from. God made it really simple when He said, “All.” But let’s be clear, removing someone destructive or who proves to not be in God’s will from our life is not a mistake, it’s a correction.

For anyone who is faced with a life saving decision to leave a marriage, a really good book that offers excellent, in-depth guidance is The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships by Gretchen Baskerville. To be clear, I’m not saying that God cannot fix a marriage or that every situation is the same. What I said is, misinformation and false teaching can cause bondage and destruction to be confused with God’s will and plan.

Marriages aren’t the only relationship that we have to free ourselves from or that take us off of God’s path for our life. Any relationship has the ability to take us on a detour. Whether friendship, kinship or partnership, a healthy human relationship is based on a biblical agreement, boundaries and conditions that prevent us from being harmed or destroyed. The bible tells us: “Can two walk together without agreeing where to go?” (Amos 3;3). There are conditions and behavior that do not agree with God’s plan for our life — “The thief comes only that he might steal and might kill and might destroy. I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly” (John 10:10). The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy…or the relationship that kills, steals and destroys is a thief, and is contrary to God’s plan for our life and nullifies the cross. 

I routinely discuss the revictimization that many domestic violence sufferers experience at the hands of blind guides and deceptive teachers who wrongly divide the word of truth to keep them in bondage. If a relationship is destroying you, God is not in it, it is not from God and it is not your assignment (James 1:13-15) . God does not send destruction to His children: “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him” (Matthew 7:11). I know, somebody is saying, “But a marriage is different.” Yes it is, in more ways than one. First of all, the bible is often used way out of context when addressing divorce. We are more likely to repeat what we’ve heard than what the bible actually said when it comes to divorce. There are biblical conditions that govern a marriages validity and approval by God. Marriage, like I said, was never designed by God to be a death sentence, or a destructive situation-ship.

The Myth that “God hates divorce” without exception or universally, is one of the most misused and falsely applied scriptures pertaining to divorce. It is also the main scripture used to manipulate and condemn people to hell who divorce or remarry after a divorce — as if that’s God’s punishment for saving your life from a destructive relationship or a wrong decision. There is no better way to describe this biblical nonsense other than, it’s a bold faced lie and completely unbiblical. To align a God of mercy and justice with such an irrational, fleshly belief is borderline heresy. For the sake of those who might be suffering in bondage as the result of biblical manipulation, let’s clear up a few things about Malachi 2:16 — “God hates divorce.”

Malachi 2:16, in the original text, does not say what the older translations of the bible says. The translation that most know of is this: For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence…” (Malachi 2:16). The original and accurate text says, “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect.” All one would have to do is go back to Malachi 2:13, and read from there to understand Malachi 2:16. God is addressing the men who were throwing away His chosen daughters like trash for prostitutes and whoring after foreign women. Malachi 2:16, is about men abusing women, their hatred for their wives and their destructive behavior. God hated what they were doing.

The second myth is that adultery is the only reason for divorce. Again, another myth passed down by controlling and manipulative teachers to coerce the unsuspecting into staying in bondage or not remarrying. When Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9), He was responding to the Pharisees who were trying to trick Him into contradicting the word: “Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” (Matthew 19:3). He was speaking specifically to the trick and not defining all reasons for divorce. How do we know this? Because the bible tells us so.

In 1 Corinthians 7:15, the bible address the other case for divorce: “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.” And let’s be clear about three things. First, “But God has called us to peace,” means that you are free to remarry. Your peace has been returned to you: “If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you” (Matthew 10:13). Second, there are unbelieving believers (2 Timothy 3:1-5). An unbelieving believer is one who believes in God but does not follow God or obey His word: “You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror” (James 2:19).

And third, a person “departs” a relationship in two ways: Physically and Covenantally. Going back to our scripture, “Can two walk together without agreeing where to go?” (Amos 3;3), we know that a relationship sent by God is based on a covenant agreement. What is that intimate partner covenant agreement? Ephesians 5:21-33, is the intimate partner covenant agreement that God, and His children, use to determine departure. It was given by God to eliminate all confusion regarding what He requires of a relationship, relationship behavior, and to walk in agreement with His will for intimate partner relationships. If an individual departs from that covenant then the individual who they departed, is released from that relationship and, “Is called to peace,” or freedom. And free to remarry.

If you’re not married, I hope I didn’t bore you but you too must know what God’s plan and expectation is for a relationship to be in agreement with His will for your life (Ephesians 5:21-33). Does this mean that God cannot fix a broken relationship? No. When God works to heal a relationship or any other issue, it involves three components: Our faith, free will of choice, and participation in the work. If a person you’re in a relationship with chooses to exercise their free will of choice to depart from the covenant and not participate in the work to restore or resolve the issues affecting the relationship, you’re called to peace, freedom, and are able to remarry. Your full rights, inheritance and promises have been restored.

Consider This: Trees shed leaves when it’s time to change seasons — for self-preservation. In other words, even the tree will shed leaves in order to save its life. But know this, when the tree sheds a leaf, not one leaf that falls to the ground kills the tree. When you let go to live, you preserve God’s plan for your life.

Trees shed leaves, leaves don’t shed trees.

Walking in divine truth after a breakup usually requires retraining our emotions to acknowledge, submit to and abide in the word of God.  This is not hardly natural for most…it can be downright difficult without embracing the truth and walking in grace. Especially when the emotions we’re trying to fight want what we don’t need. 

You don’t have to fake it. Unless you have an iron brain, it takes a minute to recover from a love loss — even when it’s the wrong person. But what we have to remember is this: Emotions that can say no to God’s plans for our life or tell you to do anything that harms you or your destiny, are destructive — no matter how good they feel (2 Corinthians 10:3-4).

Cry if you have to, crawl if you have to and even if you stumble on your way out, stick to God’s plan for your life. When we’re not walking in our divine truth, every season will look like a lifetime and if we’re not careful, we’ll exchange the truth for a lie.  

When someone is not right for us or not ready for us, God steps in. It might look like a breakup but if God stepped in, it’s a divine setup. God lets wrong things fall apart so that He can make right things fall together.

We have to see and acknowledge divine intervention to embrace the God in goodbye, and to ultimately recover from a God intervention. When God intervenes, He trusts you to choose your destiny over your destruction. When you walk with God, sometimes you have to lose to win!

 

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